The greatest mistake in life would not be to choose wrongly. But to not choose at all.

For most of my life, there was a great divide between the thoughts in my mind and the issues in my heart. The straight path for my life promised by the wisdom of the once great Solomon was wrecked by the pull and shove of crowd approval and vain ambitions. Pour in a gallon of fear with a touch of doubt and all you get is a whirlpool of confusion.

It seems all the time that I wanted to do everything yet in the end accomplished nothing. The prospect of following father's footsteps promises a comfortable life, only to be thwarted by my obvious distaste for engineering hydraulics and vector calculations. My grand ideas of being a world-class musician is fading away ever so quickly in proportion to my waning gifts and talents. From celebrity chef to basketball player to doctor, my becoming has never come close to what I'm wanting.

But today I made a choice. I wear the badge of a fitness instructor. Yes, you are not the only one who looks perplexed at the sound of the news. It's certainly not what you would call a "normal" job. My working shifts would tell you that. Like my boss mentioned to me today, unlike most companies, we are not in the business of getting to you a product. We are selling the dream of a better body, a healthier lifestyle. We are selling a thing called Hope.

And frankly friends ironically, Hope is what I need right now. In fact as I take on this course of my journey, it's the only thing I can hold on too with both hands. No safety harness, no parachute. The road less travelled is not glamourous journey. You think it's gonna be incredibly exciting considering that you kinda like what you do and that you chose it out of your gut instinct. But like J said to me, a job is still a job. There are periods especially in the beginning (and I found that out today) where it can be extremely mundane and less than fulfilling.

While J is leaving his job with worthwhile memories and experiences that are rich, I go in with an emptiness surrounded by doubts, fear and confusion. While Y is going from strength to strength in terms of perks he is receiving and an ever stable income together with job satisfaction, I plunge into the dark waters earning an amount that can barely keep me afloat.

Do I sound like I regretting it already? No, today is truly a new day. I used to be fazed by my indecision and am always tempted to put the blame on others for it. No longer. Today, I made a choice. With the weight of my doubts, I am climbing the mountain heights with a rope called Faith. To the peak where my Hope lies.

Hope for what, you may ask? For the moment it seems less clear. Perhaps it's a hope that I can finally prove to my dad that I can step on my own two feet and take responsibility for my life. Perhaps it's a hope that one day I would inspire others to follow this road. Perhaps it's because I wanted to see what's really at the end of this path with a narrow gate.

First day of work. The beginning of this crazy pilgrim's progress. Even I think sometimes that it's stupid. I don't know how long I would last. But there are signs that it could be worthwhile. Like how I learn to slow down my speech through "conversations" with a deaf and mute receptionist named Jimmy. The simplicity of silence. Like how I discuss with Melissa (boss' daughter) about tensions experienced in our generation. We want more than just survival. Like how I observe my boss treat his customers with meticulous care and respect. He's a fine example of how to be truly human in his vocation. Like how my senior colleague encouraged me by saying,"It's okay, it tends to get boring at first. But it gets better." He's Albanian by the way. Like how I asked another colleague why he did this after he studied engineering. To which he coolly replied, "Don't know. It just happens." Like how J says he can so imagine me riding and teaching a precision cycling aerobics class. He emphasized that I have the voice to inspire.

At the end of the day, it's all about a gut feeling. A sense that perhaps God is in all this. A moment of blink whereby for the first time I feel I must respond. And sitting there in the reception this morning with absolutely nothing to do, I intently watched a Channel V special on the life of U2. There was Bono, the modern day prophet on screen speaking with his fearless eyes penetrating through his shades kinda saying, "Listen boy, you're right."

I'm fucking crazy.


G