JYG

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Operation Silk Cloth and a Bunch of Tests

It doesn't get better than this. Full-on bumming.

I got more books from Borders... those that I've been trying to find for some time. Most notable one of all is Chesterton's Orthodoxy. While shopping in the same mall, I got something for my pod.

The sound quality in my opinion is OKAY lar. Maybe I just haven't tune it to the right frequency yet. Still can't beat plugging it into a cassette player. Any advice on how to make the sound better?

As best man of Y, (well one of them) I remembered I was given a task of monumental weight. In fact, failure to accomplish it would lead to unimaginable disasters on the wedding day. The pressure is on. Everything else would depend on this. There can be no room for error. I must be determined and focused.

OBJECTIVE : PURCHASE TIES FOR THE GUYS.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, it's no walk in the park. I must battle neurosis from scanning the myriads of colours and patterns crafted in fine Italian silk, all juxtapostioned to create quite a shopping dilemma. Stripes, checkered, plain, squared patterns, round patterns - you name it, they got it. Problem is: I got to get something close to a lavenderish tone. And not just one but four of them. That's hard. And it doesn't help that most of them are simply an eyesore. But I must persevere, for the physical image of my fellow best men depends on it.

Well, I gave up.

I'm usually adept in my shopping skills and fashion sense but shopping ties for people is definitely not my forte. Make that two separate tasks: Shopping for ties AND shopping for people. Perhaps the development of that skill comes from when one day I may have to wear one everyday to work. Of course, that issue cease to exist if I become a fitness trainer. So gals, learn how to shop ties for guys. You will be very much appreciated. And don't say it's hard to shop for guys. Cute cuddly stuff is cool once in a while but we are perfectly alright with stuff we can USE. Now back to the ties. By this time, I'm also wondering why Y's emphasis on the ties. I mean, jon is probably going to wear his "well-worn" jacket.. i mean suit... which I think deserves greater attention. All in all in my opinion, as long as the bride looks beautiful on that day, that's all that matters.

Having said all that bullshit.... guys, let's just get em together on sunday.

Now that I've failed my mission not-really-impossible... I'm quite bored. So bored that I started doing BBC's psychological and senses test. Quite fun actually. You can skip the personality test if you're absolutely bored of such things. But if you got nothing to do like me, why not?

But be sure to try the Disgust Test (jon should ace this), the sense challenge and the sex of your brain test.

A few finds about myself: (thanks to BBC)

I'm neutral - my brain sex is between that of male and female. Probably because I'm a bit better with words and is said to be quite sensitive to what people are thinking and feeling,
I'm left-brain dominant. Meaning I'm more verbal and analytical as compared to right-brainers.
I'm quite a pro in reading people's eyes, tying it with their moods.
I sucked in spotting people's fake smile.
Guys' ring finger (fourth one) generally tend to be longer than the index because of testosterone they receive in their mother's womb. If yours is shorter... well you get the picture.
I prefer more feminine physical features for women rather than masculine.
I'm a Resolver, meaning I'm an introvert who solves problems logically. Huh, sure or not?

Have fun. Now if you don't mind me, I must finish my Magnolia, Hotel Rwanda, Amistad and 24 Season 3 dvds by end of this week. By the way, go Pistons!

Posted at 12:41 am by jyg2
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Really.

Michael Green: My wife is an alcoholic. Best person I ever met. She has 600 different smiles. They can light up your life. They can make you laugh out loud, just like that. They can even make you cry, just like that. That's just with her smiles. You'd have to see her with her kids. You'd have to see how they look at her when she's not looking. To think of all the things she lives through, and I couldn't help her.
Alice Green: Maybe helping wasn't your job.
Michael Green: Well, it wasn't. See, I love her. And I tried everything, except really listening, really listening, and that's how I left her alone. I was so ashamed of that, and I couldn't even tell her. Maybe if I tell her, she'd love me.
Alice Green: Or more. She would have loved you even more. I think you should tell all this stuff to your wife.

- When a Man Loves a Woman (1994).

It's official. I am a couch-romantic.

I really can't help it. I wish I wouldn’t tear up when I hear sappy lines from sappy movies like the above, but I did. What's coming over me? First Sepet, now this. Gosh.

But I have to admit, I loved watching When a Man Loves a Woman on Star Movies. If you try really hard to remember (and if you do, you are either part of the "Mushy Movies Members Club" or a freakish movie buff), Meg Ryan was this alcoholic-cum-wife, while Andy Garcia was the lovey-dovey husband who tried to help. And if you read the line above, by his standards, he failed. Factor in two kids, their jobs, pride, ego and stress, and you have yourself your typical hardships-in-relationships chick flick.

Nothing revolutionary. But I just absolutely adore the film.

For one thing, there are just these gem quotes that made me think that, behind all the gloss of romance, the effort needed to make a relationship work is monumental. Like when Alice looks at Mike, all exasperated after her darling husband tried again to offer help, and whispers: " I think I could love you again if you could, for once, say 'I don't know.'". Or when they get into this heated argument, and Alice just shouts: "Fuck that! Fuck making it better. It's not getting better! I don't know how to make it better and I swear to God you don't either!" Or this moment with Alice and her rehabilitator, who shares about her own recovery from alcohol, and her struggles with her own husband.

Alice: So, everything turned out ok, right?
Nurse: Not really...I divorced him the next year (Both start laughing).

So real. Oh so painfully real.

It made me think about my previous relationships, especially the most recent one. I guess I was just like Mike - thinking that my role was to always try and fix things in her life, to be the always-dependable, 'you can count on me'-kinda guy. Given the hell she went through in life, I thought that was what she needed. And when it turned out I wasn't that kind of guy, I couldn't take it, and scrammed.

Silly me. If only I listened to her, and embraced Grace. If only I learnt to walk through doubt, and understand it's always going to be there. But then, as people like to say, the past is forgotten. The hard part is believing in a second chance. And a third. And a millionth.

"It's horrifying how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him; I tried to empty it onto him. But there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him that he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out because I knew if he ever really saw who I was inside, that he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now, he's moved away, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get a second chance but I have to believe. That I deserve one. Because we all do." - Alice.

Man, this is just too much. Is there a cure for this? I need to follow Y's lead - give me that DVD of XXX2. I need to see a freaking building blown to smithereens.

Posted at 02:28 am by jyg2
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Life Alone and Together.... The Second Confession

I'm moving.

So to anyone who needs a fridge, washing machine and an Ikea double-seater sofa, I'm selling them for cheap. Still good as new.

Staying alone has its benefits. First of all, you don't have to worry about dorks complaining about how your joint looks like. Unless you invite them over for dinner of course, which i don't. I used to, in Melbourne. Maybe I'm just to lazy to whip up a meal nowadays. And most of my pals either work a lot or have a family to attend to. Gone were the days of pot-luck gatherings and college parties.

Not only you can sorta design the way your place looks, (or should not) you also have the immense privilege of dancing around naked, smoking your marlboro, while downing your Corona. The problem with this I find is that it gets depressing after a while, knowing that you are alone partying by yourself. Which is quite sad.

Of course, the loneliness could have be easily alleviated by the existence of cable tv, a video game console (did I hear Halo, anyone?) and high-speed broadband. All of which I tentatively refuse to have for a whole semester. True enough, it showed cracks into my hollow way of life. Really, there is nothing much in this world that can truly satisfy our insatiable wants and needs. I'm just a dysfunctional emotion-driven, approval-seeking, sex-hungry creature who could easily be tipped off balance by my own insecurities.

I think I'm an introvert because I like being alone. But being alone and liking it because I like doing things alone give hints that I could be dysfunctional. I can quite easily construct a nice, comfortable environment for myself where I'll just drown every moment of my supposed solitude with my favourite toys. Remove those, and as it had occured many many times - a irrepressible ache in the heart which at first disguises itself as boredom. Then comes wave after wave of ineasiness, pulling you in different directions, leaving you utterly dismayed and thinking "there is nothing in the world that could ever cure this." You can't be alone just because you like it. There is nothing more vulnerable than a wandering heart in the desert of loneliness. When the demons strikes, one can't even be fit enough to fight ,for one is already paralysed by his own thirst.

Someone asked me to teach on solitude at his cellgroup next month. Quite frankly, I feel inadequate. My ears cannot even bear the sacred hums of silence. I've been used to being alone simply by drowning my thoughts with meaningless noise and activity. The withdrawal symptoms of the last six months proves exactly that. Perhaps as I am beginning to come to grips with the ache I'm bearing that comes from the removal of those distractions, I can start experience the true peace in those "dark nights of the soul." Even in solitude, all that is flying randomly in your mind can be replaced with new meaning and focus.

Perhaps the better way to learn solitude is to live with someone. It is only with company that you learn how to be alone in a meaningful way.

Yuchun and Sophia has agreed that I could crash into their new apartment for a while once they move in as newly weds. That should be interesting. The biggest temptation then would be to get an Xbox. Well at least, I'll get to enjoy it with someone. After all, yuchun would stop me from playing too much. But then again, he might go overboard himself. That could lead to some serious newly wed disputes, for which I'm the instigator. Oh boy.

G

Posted at 01:19 am by jyg2
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Monday, June 20, 2005

The Disillusionment of Community... A Confession

Every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.

God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realised by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethen and God Himself accordingly. He stands adament, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren. He acts as if he is the creator of the Christian community, as if his dream binds men together. When things do not go his way, he calls the effort a failure. When his ideal picture is destroyed, he sees the community going to smash. So he becomes, first an accuser of his brethren, then an accuser of God, and finally the despairing accuser of himself.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Father, forgive me for being that dreamer. For being proud and pretentious in all my ways. For my idealistic notions of a utopian environment, where I demand my own set of laws. May You, and only You, bound us together in one body, as You have already laid the foundation of our fellowship. For the Christian community is not an ideal reality, but a divine one. I give up my wishful thinking, masquerading as a heavenly calling. For the basis of community is not of one's definite idea of what Christian life together should be like, but of grace. Grace which shatters such dreams. I thank You for this gift of grace - the privilege of living this common life with my fellow brethrens. It is only possible with and through Christ who has done everything vital for us to have Him and one another. For all eternity.

G

Posted at 11:17 pm by jyg2
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