One of my dear friend wrote a blog post that speaks deeply into our hearts.

Bonhoeffer reinforces those thoughts for me:

I'm done.

It could be more of a sigh of relief than joyous celebration. With all these mixed feelings, I somehow could fathom how I would feel, knowing that I've finally graduated. I was just sitting there, with palms covering my face, groaning and weeping. The floodgates of emotions crashed open from years and years of frustration and anxiety.

You think I might sound a lil too melodramatic here.

But there are a few things you need to know about me. For one, I didn't know what I wanted to do in life. Everything was planned out for by my father. The move to a boarding school in singapore, studying in ACS(I), going to Melbourne and finally perhaps pursue a career in civil engineering. That path was going pretty smoothly until I went to Melbourne and I found out that this engineering course was like a thorn in my flesh. I hated everything about it... well almost. It didn't help that I have a huge ego coupled with my dad's expectations ringing in my head - you can do it as long you try hard enough. So I grinded it through with little success. I flunked most of my papers and was reaching the point where my will was shattered.

What added to the misery was that I thought God is with me and He would help me through this. I can make it with His wisdom and might. Nothing is impossible. My hopes were surging with youthful idealism. Some of you might know what I'm talking about. This period of your Christian life where everything had a silver lining and you feel like you could conquer the world. For Him, of course. Or so it seems in my naviety. Nothing, absolutely nothing including the exams could hinder my journey to the promised land. He will honor my faith.

Well, I didn't get the results I wanted. My relationships in church were fantastic. But I watched how the connection with my family deteriorated with my failure to perform in uni. The worst scenario had presented itself. I gotta go back to Malaysia. Leaving behind the memories of blessed Down under. Arguably the worst period of my life.

God, I found, is not some puppet which you could simply ask to perform magic tricks for you. It is just when you think things could not possibly get worse, it does. And for some strange reason, He allows it. I was never sure I could handle it. (1 Cor 10:13) Images of suicide, giving it all up and checking out came to my mind once in a while. You could give me the best of "God will bless those who trust in Him" series and I would not have listened to you. The truth is, this is my wrestling match with Him. (Genesis 32:25) I need to know deep within myself, that I could not overpower Him and make Him do as I please. I've understood that as children of our Master, we all must learn to walk with a limp. God is after all, God. Unwavering in His promises, mysterious in His ways and unchanging in His character. When we worship, we don't just call for His hand. Worship is when we stand in awe of His majesty and glory. And by His grace, we would become who we worship. T

Through this journey, I've lost a hip and must tread forward now with a reminder that I'm not in control. Mystery has caught hold of me and showed me a cliff which I must, even with closed eyes, jump over into the place of finding Him. Indeed, it is perilous so much so you think He is playing a dangerous game with our souls. But it is a road we must tread with courage.

After making it through this hump, something kept ringing echoes in my head.

His strength made perfect in my weakness.

That's the one thing I can boast. One of me friends asked me how would I feel if I failed and would not have made it this time?

The answer?

Well, I guess we would never know.

G